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When you
hear the word negotiation, what enters your mind? A buyer or seller
haggling over the price of a product? A hostage held at gunpoint?
Two large organizations putting together a merger? Getting your
teenager to clean his room? Deciding where to go for dinner with
your partner? All of these are great examples of negotiating and
clearly illustrate that everyone negotiates.
First
though imagine two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are
equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against
one another and both of them will grow very tired! Getting into a
power struggle uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go
anywhere.
Conflicts
come in all forms and levels of intensity. Some are the result of
misunderstandings between friends, and they can be resolved with a
simple apology. Other conflicts aren't so easy to resolve. They are
emotionally intense and often come about over time. The parties then
have to decide if the friendship, partnership, marriage or whatever
relationship is worth repairing. Notice I said "parties" in the
plural. It takes two to tango, and it takes at least two to
negotiate. That's because communication forms the core of any
negotiation. One no longer needs to have the best or last answer.
Expanding one's understanding becomes more important than being
right or getting one's point across.
The first and most difficult task of a dialogue
involves parking the ego and listening with an open spirit. From
this receptivity can come questions which lead to understanding.
Negotiating fairly builds
trust. And, you set the standard for future
conversations. Demonstrations of
power erode it. Remember, you teach people how to treat
you in two ways: you know, set and enforce your boundaries, and, you
demonstrate your values in the ways you treat
others.
Here are fundamentals points to remember
before you begin a
dialogue.
-
Do not make the other person
wrong
Avoid
direct or implied criticism
of the other person's thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are
likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you.
An easy way to accomplish this is to not focus on or form
expectations of other people's behavior before meeting with them
face to face. It seemed to reduce the tendency to overreact in the
heat of the moment.
-
Think in
terms of " I " messages
An
I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the
other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and
genuine. It doesn't judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the
other person what he should think or feel. Successful use of I-messages
requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal
responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the
person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the
other person becomes defensive.
-
Express yourself with
empathy
If
I am working on a project together with a collegue/friend and we
reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting extra
hours in on the project, I might say: "We both have so many
responsibilities. I know it must be hard for you to imagine finding
the needed time and /or energy with children as young as
yours."
The above statement represents my putting myself in
the other person's shoes. He or she will feel more understood when I
am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we
will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when
empathy is expressed between us.
Empathy implies connection. When
each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting
to the other person and his/her life
situation.
-
Look for areas
of agreement
We go farther in
negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get
stuck in our disagreements. One way to discover areas of
agreement is to listen well to the other person. Another way to find
areas of agreement is to ask defining questions: "So do you
agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to
find a way to get it all done by our due date?"
Every time
you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens. The other
person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work
with you!
- Stay open to options for mutual
gain
If you
can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can
each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the
beginning of a good team. You begin the process of determining
mutual gain the minute this type of negotiation
begins.
Brainstorming is the key to finding as many possible
options for solving a problem. In brainstorming, each of you throws
out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible. The very act of brainstorming says that
there are many options.
Once options are suggested,
then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain.
If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation
has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling
good.
Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called 'Little Blue
and Little Yellow.' The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue
and Little Yellow. When they each come out to play together, they
discover that they play best when they are connected. In the joining
they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow. Instead, their
connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole
new color: Green!
You also must be able to make up your own mind, as
opposed to believing everything you are told. On a practical level,
this means you have the right to question the asking price of that
new car. It also means you have an obligation to question everything
you read in the newspaper or hear on CNN.
You cannot negotiate unless you are willing to challenge the
validity of the opposing
position.
Being
assertive means asking for what you want and refusing to take "no"
for an answer. Practice expressing your feelings without anxiety or
anger. Let people know what you want in a non-threatening way.
Practice using "I" statements mentioned earlier. . For example,
instead of saying, "You shouldn't do that," try substituting, "I
don't feel comfortable when you do that."
Note that there is
a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. You
are assertive when you take care of your own interests while
maintaining respect for the interests of others. When you see
to your own interests with a lack of regard for other people's
interests, you are aggressive. Being assertive is part of
negotiation consciousness.
Be a
detective. Ask probing questions and then shut up. Your
questions will help the other person(s) open their mind. Questions
involve people. They allow people to think about their lives,
themselves and their problems. The other person(s) will tell you
everything you need to know -- all you have to do is listen. Many
conflicts can be resolved easily if we learn how to listen. The
catch is that listening is the forgotten art. We are so busy making
sure that people hear what we have to say that we forget to listen.
You don't have to think about what you're going to ask next, because
what you're going to ask is found in the answers you get to your
previous questions!
You can become an effective listener
by allowing the other person to do most of the talking. Follow the
70/30 Rule -- listen 70% of the time, and talk only 30% of the time.
Encourage the other person to talk by asking lots of open-ended
questions -- questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or
"no."
The
Boy/Girl Scouts were right. Gather as much pertinent information
prior to the negotiation. What are their needs? What pressures do
they feel? What options do they have? Doing your homework is vital
to successful negotiation.
People who aim higher
do better. If you expect more, you'll get more. Successful negotiators are
optimists. A proven strategy for achieving higher results is
opening with an extreme position. Sellers should ask for more than
they expect to receive, and buyers should offer less than they are
prepared to pay.
This is
very difficult for Americans. We want to get it over with. Whoever is more flexible about time has
the advantage.
Help the
other negotiator feel satisfied. Satisfaction means that their basic
interests have been fulfilled. Don't confuse basic interests with
positions: Their position is what they say they want; their basic
interest is what they really need to
get.
- Don't
make the first move
The best
way to find out what the other persons aspirations are is to induce
them to open first.
- Expect
unilateral concessions
Whenever
you give something away, get something in return. Always tie a
string: "I'll do this if you do that." Otherwise you are inviting
the prospect to give more than you receive.
-
Never negotiate without
options
If you
depend too much on the positive outcome of a negotiation, you lose
your ability to say "no.": "Always
be willing to walk away."
It does
not hurt to ask for something. The worst that can happen is that the
other party says no. This is true in any kind of negotiation
especially in dealing with a boss. Ask for that raise or promotion.
Even if you don't get it, your boss may admire your pluck and keep
you in mind for future promotions. If there is something very
important to you, it is good to get it out on the table. However do your research and be prepared
to defend what it is you want and why you should get it.
Don't think that if you deserve a raise or promotion you will get it
without initiating the conversation. In a job offer, try asking for
more money and see what happens. If you have a bad customer
experience at a hotel, ask for something like an upgrade or a free
night. The results may surprise you.
If you ask for something you really want
and it is denied, don't take no for an answer. Try to find
out why they are saying "no". There is always a new way to look at
every situation. Try to think of a different way to convince the
other side to give you want you want. Go back to the drawing board
and try to ask for what you want in a different way. Even a minor
change. adjustment, or rephrasing might make it more palatable. If
this is an important issue, suggest a trade-off or package deal, so
the other side might be motivated by getting something they
want.
You are the one who
should set the tone of the negotiation. When you come into
the room for the first time, you should look the part. Project
the image that you want. You might want to try it in the mirror a
few times. You want to give good eye contact and be a good listener.
You want to seem knowledgeable about the issues or issues to be
discussed. Think of the expression, "Fake it till you make it."
Being a good negotiator is like being a good actor. Remember to play
your part and look the part.
- Check your emotions at the
door
Emotions
such as anger can make one lose control. If you are nervous, upset
or unsure of yourself, you need to focus on what you hope to
accomplish and tell yourself that nothing is going to stand in the
way of your goal. If the other side sees weakness, they may try to
bait you (this may happen from either their unconscious or
consciouslevel), so don't get caught up in their attempt to mind
play. And if perhaps it starts to remember "it takes two to tango". When upset with the
other side, instead of getting angry, try speaking more softly and
more slowly to get your message across. Don't let your emotions
interfere with the negotiation and never let them see you
sweat!
The dolphin is the only mammal who can swim in a
sea of sharks or in a sea of carp. Dolphins are able to adapt their
strategies and behaviors to their counterparts. Remember, even when negotiating with a
shark, you have an option--you can walk
away!
In life,
what goes around comes around. The goal in creating win/win outcomes
is to have both counterparts feel that their needs and goals have
been met, so that they will be willing to come back to the table and
negotiate again. An atmosphere of trust reduces the time required to
create win/win outcomes.
Negotiation is based in abundance
thinking: It is the belief that if we truly understand
the problem, the perfect solution will present itself. When you
truly believe it's possible for everyone to be satisfied - no compromise necessary - you'll
have the confidence to stick with the process until it works.
Try it and watch your life and all your relationships change
into something special and unique!
© 2007 Mary Kay Buttery
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